Archive for February, 2015

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System: Nintendo 3DS

Price: $2.99

Okay, so you know when you’re at the store, right, and you see this game for a current gen console priced super cheap and you’re all “omg, dis gaem is so cheep, it prolly sux lololol.” Well I’m here to tell you to KNOCK IT OFF! This is my mission. I play the cheap games, so you don’t have to. I want you, in the future, to be all “omg, dis gaem is so cheep, it prolly sux lololol, but I will withhold judgement on this piece of software until I read what Scott over at Five Dollar Gamer says about it. Come along, let us retire to the computing room in my domicile, so that we may peruse the ramblings of a man who so cherishes the games in which we so foolishly ignore so that we may play *scoff* Call of Duty? I bellow a hearty guffaw at my foolhardy gaffe. An aberration like that will not happen again, thanks to Scott and Five Dollar Gamer!”

*checks word count*

Okay, a decent first paragraph.

Centipede Infestation is a re-imagining of the classic 1980s hit Centipede. You play as some guy who was an extra cut from an episode of Captain N: The Game Master. You rudely interrupt a young lady planting a garden by saving her life from the giant mutant bugs surrounding her. You and Miss “All The Bugs Are God’s Creatures What If They’re Attacking You Because You’re Shooting At Them” escape to the city to do God knows what because I skipped a lot of the cutscenes. Once I realized our hero wasn’t going to fart out a “Well excuuuuuuse me, Princess” in response to this chick’s sassyness, I stopped caring.

Get on his level.

Get on his level.

But you don’t buy games on the cheap for award-winning scripts. You want surprisingly fun gameplay! Well… you get surprisingly competent gameplay, at least! The game plays similarly to another classic game, Smash T.V. Each level takes place in an enclosed environment as you mow down waves of insects, with each level culminating with a battle against the classic centipede boss. Your Y/X/B/A buttons serves as directions for your shot (hold two down to shoot diagonally). The circle pad moves the 80s dudebro (I think his name is something cliche, like Max). The touchscreen is used to activate power-ups you collect, like flamethrowers and machine guns. It’s nothing real ground breaking, but if you’re going to borrow ideas, at least do it right, which this game does, but not overwhelmingly. If I had to assign a letter grade to the effort used when applying these borrowed ideas, it’d be like a C+, B- tops. Basically me in high school.

Me in high school. (Photo altered in order to prevent someone from being a known associate of this asshole back in the day)

Me in high school. (Photo altered in order to prevent someone from being a known associate of this asshole back in the day)

Verdict: BARGAIN BIN

I mean, it’s a decent game, but it’s not like it’s some hidden gem waiting to be discovered. The action gets a bit repetitive and the cutscenes try to capitalize on that ironic 80s cheesiness with the voice acting, but the bargain bin script holds it back from being tolerable. This was a game destined to be $2.99. I’m not saying AVOID AT ALL COSTS! But it’s not something I’d necessarily recommend. So the guy who was using all them big fancy words in the opening paragraph is no closer to finding out if this is a game he should play or not. He probably won’t. He doesn’t even have a 3DS because “it’s for children.” He’s a dick. Screw that guy.

Thanks for readin’, y’all!

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What the hell am I doing? I mean, seriously?! I haven’t written a damn thing in 8 months and I come back with THIS?! I hyped my blog up to an audience in a completely new area of the country. “Oh I review a lot of retro games and hidden gems, check it out sometime.” I get them to like the Facebook page, I tell them something new is coming, and then… Then I give them HELLO KITTY CRUISERS FOR THE WII U! Ya-friggin-hoo!

Okay, to be fair, I was dared by a co-worker to play this game. I caved because YOU DON’T DARE ME TO DO STUFF, TAYLOR!

*ahem* Sorry.

So, let’s take a look at the back of the box bullet points to see what we can look forward to in this adventure.

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Everyone in the split-screen screenshot is doing terrible. Symbolism?

Okay, so nothing specific. You can race boats, karts, and planes with up to 4 people. Basic stuff, nothing you couldn’t do in Diddy Kong Racing 18 years ago. Speaking of Diddy Kong Racing, I’ll just come right out and say it: in every way, Diddy Kong Racing is an infinitely better game. Shocker, right? Did anyone reading this really thing that Hello Kitty Kruisers would be a good game? A diamond in the rough? A 6th round pick that leads his team to 4 Super Bowl victories?

Alienating my readers in 3... 2... 1...

Alienating my readers in 3… 2… 1…

So there’s not much meat to the bone that is this game. There’s a championship mode that I completed within the hour and an adventure mode ripped right off from the mission mode in Mario Kart DS. Now I will say that this game deceived me just a bit during the first cup. It was a bit bland and slow, but otherwise there was nothing I’d say was bad. In fact, the races using the airplanes were actually pretty decent. The airplane controls and physics, while not complicated, were surprisingly unterrible. It was during the 2nd cup where I ran into my first set of issues.

Unlocking this fat French dog being one of them.

Unlocking this fat French dog being one of them.

It was obvious that the kinks and bugs were worked out of the first cup. But I feel like the developers went “Meh, no one is going to want to play it after that. I think we’re good. Ship tomorrow.” One race I was sucked into guardrails no matter how much I positioned myself in the middle of the track. It didn’t help that the environment was an egregious rip-off of the Mario Kart 64 version of Rainbow Road. But what I encountered most, and my biggest gripe about the game, is the A.I. and the timing issues. A.I.-controlled cars would easily get stuck in walls or turned around. Now, when I say turned around, I don’t mean they’d spin out a lot. They would start driving in the complete wrong direction. These guys were more confused than Geno Smith playing football.

More football jokes!

More football jokes!

The timing issues were really weird. Things like extremely long lap times, lower-placing finishers having better overall times than those placing higher than them, and the bad A.I. and timing issues going hand-in-hand to create a mess of a post-race leader board. The following images are just a glimpse of what I saw.

Notice the last two times. 10th place has a better overall time than 9th.

Notice the last two times. 10th place has a better overall time than 9th.

I had lapped everyone in this race. Somehow, me and 2nd place had identical times.

I had lapped everyone in this race. Somehow, me and 2nd place had identical times. Also notice last place’s extremely quick lap time.

Hello Kitty spent the last 2/3rds of the race going backwards. Despite this, I somehow only beat her by .23 seconds according to the official scoring.

Hello Kitty spent the last 2/3rds of the race going backwards. Despite this, I somehow only beat her by .23 seconds according to the official scoring.

I wouldn’t recommend this game to anyone. Not to kids, not to enemies, not even as a “Hey, let’s get drunk and play this game” game. Even if you’re a fan of Hello Kitty, you won’t like it. It borrows many elements from games much older and better than itself and proceeds to do less than nothing with them. The only thing I would like to know is who was the moron that was scoring the times on those races?

Aww, sonofa---

Aww, sonofa—

Thanks for reading!

*suddenly awakens from a deep sleep* Hi, I’m Scott.

You can call me Scott.

You can call me Scott.

I’m the beautiful face behind Five Dollar Gamer. I wanted you guys to meet the guy behind the blog. I’ve got a lot of new likes on Facebook recently, so I thought before I get to what I do here, why not get to know me a bit?

I was born in Traverse City, Michigan on May 27, 1987.

Not as big as the big green star on the map makes it out to be.

Not as big as the big green star on the map makes it out to be.

When I was 2, we moved to Grand Rapids, Michigan (about 2 or 2-1/2 hours south, depending on how fast you drive). I grew up in and around the Grand Rapids, Michigan area most of my life. About a month after my 27th birthday, I moved to the Quad Cities area of Iowa and Illinois.

Pictured: How everyone in the Quad Cities gets around.

Pictured: How everyone in the Quad Cities gets around.

I took a hiatus from writing during this time to get my life back together again. It’s not FULLY there yet, but I’m in a better place now than I was. Thus, I felt comfortable starting Five Dollar Gamer up again. But! Grand Rapids is where Five Dollar Gamer started. Two days after my 25th birthday (May 29th, 2012, for those that don’t want to do the math) I was in one of my local gaming stores (where I would later work) and found a copy of Tinstar on the SNES. It was priced at $2.99. What caught my eye though was that this a Nintendo-published title. Games developed or published by Nintendo tend to be a bit more valuable. Curious why this one was so cheap, I picked it up. When talking to the employee there (a friend of mine, Ned. Shout out to Metalhead Ned, listen to him on 97.9 WGRD) I jokingly said I would study the game and publish my results. When he said he would actually read it, the seeds for Five Dollar Game were planted.

What a face! What a shirt! WHAT A RADIO STATION!

What a face! What a shirt! WHAT A RADIO STATION!

Now, if you’ve gone through the archives to read some past articles, you’ve seen that I’ve branched off into other types of gaming articles. But the main focus of Five Dollar Gamer has some requirements when I pick a game.

1.) It has to be $5 or less at the time of purchase.

a.) I’ve cheated a few times with this rule by buying and reviewing games on sale.

1.) VVVVVV on the 3DS eShop is reguarly $7.99, I bought it on sale for $4.99.

2.) It has to be something I have not played before. Every game in the main series of Five Dollar Gamer articles I had played for the first time right before composing the review.

3.) It can’t be obvious to me why a game is priced under $5.

a.) No sports games.

1.) Exceptions can be made for special one-off sports games (think Mutant League for example)

b.) No movie-based games.

1.) I made an exception for Surf Ninjas because it was a Game Gear exclusive.

Otherwise, everything else is fair game. I’ll look at modern day or retro games. If I found something on the Xbox One Marketplace for under $5, and it piqued my interest, I’ll review it.

For my other articles, I’m always open to suggestions. If you want me to write about a game, I take requests. In fact, the article that will be published after this one (which SHOULD be Hello Kitty Kruisers) was a suggestion (more like a dare) from a co-worker.

So, there it is. That’s me and this blog. If you have any questions or comments, go to my Facebook page, and send me a message or post on my wall.

As always, thanks for reading!