Archive for April, 2013

Big Red is my new crush.

Posted: April 11, 2013 in Miscellaneous

fdgbigred

Sorry, ladies.

wskbox

System: NES

Release Date: June 1990

Rarity: 49%

Price/Location: $3.99/Game Changers

Let me just say this: If I was as good at making stock market moves as I was in this game, I wouldn’t be living in the smallest bedroom of an apartment I share with two friends. This game has given me unrealistic expectations of the beginner’s learning curve in the world of stock trading. I am shocked and appalled that such a game that can leave such an impression even left the testing phase! This is why the economy is in the crapper, people! Wake up and smell the crushing debt! How many people played this game as children and grew up to be reckless stock traders on the mean streets of Wall? This is nothing more than an economy crasher simulator!

And yet, all I see are dollar signs. I feel my wallet thickening. I hear the roar of the Ferrari in my garage. I smell victory. I can taste SUCCESS!

And yet, all I see are dollar signs. I feel my wallet thickening. I hear the roar of the Ferrari in my garage. I smell victory. I can taste SUCCESS!

This game is a scam! I made it big with investments in Carnivore Cruise Lines, Yapple Computers, Rattel Toys, and Boing Airlines! I diversified the HELL out of that stock portfolio! My wife was so happy over the buttloads of money I was making! My family loved that I was wise in my investments! I had it all! But here’s a newsflash: NONE OF THOSE COMPANIES ACTUALLY EXIST! I couldn’t translate my success into the real world! I had to take a guess with mere facsimiles of the companies in this game! Where was my assistant giving me hot stock tips? She was nowhere to be found in the real world!

I'm so alone!

I’m so alone!

I’ve lost everything because of this game! Girlfriend: GONE! Car: GONE! Life: OVER! I write this review as a message to the masses! A warning, if you will! Spread the word: this game is nothing more than hopes and dreams! It teaches you to be fast and loose with your money! Get my message to Fox News or CNN! Someone! Preferably presented by a middle-aged white woman who has never played the game before. Anyone will do!

Was I the best, Prisila? WAS I?!

Was I the best, Prisila? WAS I?!

Verdict: BARGAIN BIN

Oh, and the game was kinda boring too.

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ithcover

System(s)- Game Boy (Also available on: Mega Drive/Genesis, Super NES, Amiga, Amiga CD32, 3DO, PC, Jaguar, Lynx, Atari Falcon, Nintendo DS)

Release Date- December 1992

Rarity- 24%

Price- $4.99

The Humans. What a lovable bunch! Look at ’em up there! Just like you and me. Romance, jealousy, fear, happiness, creativity. Why not make a game about them?!

Oh...

Oh…

Ah-ha! But this game came out nearly 8 years earlier …and has nearly nothing to do with The Sims! Actually, if you’ve played Mario vs. Donkey Kong: March of the Minis or Lemmings, you’ll be right at home with this one. The story goes about how you would think a story about cavemen at the dawn of time would go. They have just discovered tools and you must use these tools as they are introduced to assist you in completing the level such as spears and ropes. You also have your fellow tribesmen to rely on as you can use them as a step ladder of sorts to climb small ledges. At the beginning of the level, the tribal chief will tell you what your goal is. You are then told how many tribesmen are available and how many you need to complete the level. For instance, on the first level you have 12 tribesmen available, but only 4 are needed to complete the task. The others are in reserve just in case someone gets killed.

"You know... we already have these spears here. No need to scale that dangerous cliffside to get another one. We could always make more too... what's that? 'Do it or you'll eat my family,' gotcha."

“You know… we already have these spears here. No need to scale that dangerous cliffside to get another one. We could always make more too… what’s that? ‘Do it or you’ll eat my family,’ gotcha.”

The controls took a little getting used to for me, but after a minute or so, it’s pretty easy. Right/Left on the d-pad moves your little caveman, B is used to select an action, and A sets that action. The Select button brings up a cursor which you’ll move to select another caveman once you get another one into proper position.

"Okay, so I'll be the Y, you guys decide who's gonna be the M, C, and A."

“Okay, so I’ll be the Y, you guys decide who’s gonna be the M, C, and A.”

 

Spear get! On to Level 2 where we use that spear! The spear can be used to fend off dinosaurs, vault over small gaps, or can be thrown. To leap over a gap, you must stand next to said gap, start a meter to set the power of your jump, and watch as your little caveman makes a daring leap over a pit of spikes. Now, you need to throw that spear over to the next caveman, so that he may also make the leap and oh dear I just killed him with the spear.

Sure did!

Sure did!

Verdict: HIGH FIVE

I was really surprised with this game. It’s got a certain charm to it. Maybe it’s the graphics or the little caveman sprites. The cursor and walking speed of the cavemen could be faster considering the amount of ground (or air, in the case of the cursor) they have to cover on each level. Also, the timer on each level seems redundant. You never feel pressured by the timer because they give you an arbitrary amount of seconds that you will not even come close to using all of (711 seconds for Level 1, 826 for Level 2, etc.). But these are minor gripes. There are not many games out there like this one, so if you’re looking for a strategy/platform/puzzle game, give The Humans a chance. The Doctor did…

"It's a game full of humany-wumany, timey-wimey stuff. You''l love it. Is this the face of a man who lies?"

“It’s a game full of humany-wumany, timey-wimey stuff. You”l love it. Is this the face of a man who lies?”

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